Wednesday, February 25, 2009

You're Fired!

So...me and Dr GI had a come to Jesus meeting yesterday. I pretty much lost it in there and just laid it all out for him. I told him how frustrated I am, how I can't function, how I am tired all the time, how I hurt all time, that I don't really care what the scale says...I care about how I feel and for good measure even let him know that I was wearing yesterdays make up because I just didn't have the energy to put on fresh makeup today. Bonus points for snot and tears, you know just for emphasis. Well, he suggested another medication, an anti-depressant to stimulate my appetite and I flat told him NO. That I was not on board with throwing more medicine into the mix when we don't even know what we're aiming at. It seems really stupid to me to try a medication when you don't even know what you are treating. Not to mention the fact that it is an antidepressant which have tons of side effects. He told me he felt I had a thorough work up and that I was unfortunately in a small group of people that have these problems and never get a diagnosis. He told me he didn't even think Mayo would see me now and even if they did they would re-run all the tests I've already had and either a) tell me Dr GI was right or b) make up some non life threatening, non treatable disease just to give me a diagnosis. He then proceeded to tell me his best suggestion was to start seeing a psychiatrist to learn how to deal with my new life. ASSHOLE. He asked me if I wanted to come back in a few months and I replied that No, not since he doesn't want to help me. I asked for my super bill and left.

I was so upset. He made me feel like I was making everything up and that I am crazy. He really did a number on me. But today, I am better. I have a renewed fight. I have a new doctor to try. A colon and rectal surgeon that comes highly recommended from patients with 'undiagnosable' illnesses. I see him in a few weeks and I'm going in armed with a secret weapon..My Momma! She is the one that really put it to me that in no uncertain terms was I giving up. She believes in me. Which makes it easier to believe in myself.

I am starting back at the gym tomorrow with my trainer to try and build some strength. I am so weak it's pitiful. I've never felt like I do now...fragile. I've always been on the slim side but I always felt like I was strong, that if I had to do move something I could. Now? I feel like if a strong wind blew through I would tumble. I make myself eat but then end up curled up in pain. Or in the bathroom for hours. It makes eating not very much fun and I miss enjoying the fellowship that comes with sharing a meal with friends and family. Steven has had to ask me which tops are mine and which are Arissa's. He'd probably have to ask the same thing about the jeans except mine are way long. I wore Isaiah's hoodie Sunday. It was too big. We can share Under Armour shirts. I could wear his jeans if they weren't so short.

So, I forge ahead. Bring it on Dr NEW-GI

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